Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Melancholy Mind

I don't know if I'm pissed right now or fucking miserable. Let's break it down:
I feel half pissed off because my friend is going on a "date" tomorrow with the guy I like. It's not really a date, but they're hanging out all day after school. And I told her that I wasn't mad, and I guess I'm not mad that she's hanging out with him, alone, with no one else there.... but I'm kinda mad she couldn't tell me. Well, maybe I wouldn't tell me either, if I knew I was going to react this way. I didn't even know she started to like him again... It just hurts that it's her and not me.

And I'm half completely depressed like I just got the shit beat of my heart because it always ends like this. See, this guy is the sweetest guy I've ever met. And I've liked him for three years now off and on. I feel different around him, and I think he knows me better than anyone else, without telling him. Like he knows things about me that I've never told anyone, including him. It sounds crazy, but that's just how he is. And he always flirts with me, like we give each other hugs all the time, and he tells me he loves me, but I guess he doesn't mean it the way I want him to. So every time I like him, he likes someone else. And then I get mad at myself for letting myself fall into that rut again. If it's happened before, why can't I just stop? Why is he so hard to get away from? For the longest time this summer I wrote hate-poems to him about how I could never talk to him again and about how much I hate what he does to my feelings. All it took was one glance and a little conversation to cancel that out. I don't understand it. But somehow I don't know that I'm supposed to.

On another note, Halloween is promising to suck. I made plans w/ Nick and Dan to go trick-or-treating w/ me and Lyndsey, but Nick is thinking about going to Canna's party instead, I can tell. If he does still go with me, I know that's not what he'll want to be doing. Fuck that, I don't see why I even care any more. Dan isn't going if Nick doesn't and I told him today that I could care less and that I honestly didn't give a shit whether he went w/ me or not. Which was a total lie, and like I said before, Dan can see right through me, so he knew I was lying. And yet he still hasn't made up his mind on whether or not he's going. I think I'll post some hate poems later just to remind myself he can be a jack ass. On the bright side (well, ok, not so pitch black, but not quite bright), Dan might go just because Lyndsey is.

My, I have a melancholy mind.

Playing right now on iTunes: Open Arms by Journey

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